That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
