I am puke
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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