Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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