I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Watching her eat just hurts me
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
