Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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