I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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