yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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