$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
