I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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