awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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