By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
