Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
