you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
