I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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