I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
