Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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