So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
