When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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