I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can tuck mytits in my pants
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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