i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
