just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
