I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize