sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
