You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
