i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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