I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
