Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
