I hate all girls vehemently.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
