My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
