my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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