i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I could make wine with my vomit
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
