You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
