I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
