I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
