Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!