You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
