I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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