So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
