i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
