i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
