I never want to see another naked old woman again.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
