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Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
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