Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.