It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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