my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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