just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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