Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
