I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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