I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
