he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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