That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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