I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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