"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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